Hooked on Recovery

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Phil Valentine

Hooked on Recovery is a message from CCAR Executive Director Phillip Valentine, person in recovery since 12/28/87, devoted husband, a father of five and just another surf fisherman. These thoughts, views and opinions reflect on his personal recovery and are not meant in any way to speak for the entire recovery community. He welcomes all your comments and suggestions on this column, email him at phillip@ccar.us.

July 25, 2010 “Cancer Chapter 1 - Let Me Love You”

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” ~Reinhold Niebuhr

I was officially diagnosed with Stage 4 oral/pharyngeal cancer on March 16, 2010. The simple name is tongue cancer. I had a pretty good idea before I got the “official” diagnosis.

In January, I was working on a federal grant submission when I noticed a bump on my neck. I thought my glands were swollen being winter with the typical cold and flu season. The bump didn’t go away after a few weeks so I went to the doctor. I was prescribed an antibiotic to take care of any infection that was causing the gland to swell. After 3 more weeks, there was no reduction in the bump. Again, I went to see Dr. Guanco. He is my PCP (Primary Care Physician) and he is a cross between Mr. Miyagi and Yoda. A gentle kind healer, he touched my neck and I could see the concern in his eyes. He immediately x-rayed my chest to see if there were any lesions (there were none) and then referred me to an oncology surgeon. The game just went to the next level. And quickly. During all this time, I was working on the grant. So I have come to the conclusion that working on federal grants causes cancer. The feds need to put a warning label on all RFPs.

I went to the surgeon, a crusty old guy who I really liked. He set up a biopsy and stuck a long needle in my neck, squirted the liquid on a slide and says “I gotta stick him again.” No anesthesia, not anything. He comes around and sticks me again. Sandy was watching the whole thing. Guess he got it right that time. I was done, sent home to wait for the results. They came on March 16th.

My first reaction was to take a long drive, talk with God, enjoy the beautiful day, try to figure out the next right thing to do. Then I had some peace flow into me. I didn’t name it as acceptance until another person labeled it for me at a meeting. He said “you have a lot of acceptance” around this. I thought to myself, “Yeah, I guess I do.” That’s only from working a program for 22+ years. Being struck with cancer was definitely something I “could not change”.

Sandy also knew we would be OK with this (no matter the ultimate outcome). The morning after I was diagnosed, she tried to sneak out of the bedroom early but I was already awake, so I followed her out into the kitchen. She said, “I’m sorry, I was trying to let you sleep”. I responded, “Don’t worry, I slept like the dead”. And she laughed (we share a morbid sense of humor). No elephants in the middle of the room in our house. Sandy describes me like this; “Phil will not only acknowledge the elephant in the room, he will introduce you to it.” I think she was relieved that we would talk openly about it. And we have. In some ways this has brought us closer together. In others, it has tested us.

For some reason, early on, I wanted to keep all of this very quiet. Close family, friends and co-workers who absolutely needed to know would be the only ones. I am tough, strong, the epitome of the masculine man. I don’t need anyone else’s stinkin’ help or pity. I stand alone. Then one day while in prayer, God spoke to me clearly. He had a very different idea. For me, His voice comes from within, I hear it and I see it – like a teleprompter on my soul. His message? “Let Me love you through those that are around you”. I pushed back because I didn’t like what I was hearing. “Why can’t you and I just handle it? Why do we need the middle men?” Ignoring my petulance, the message was simply repeated. “Let Me love you through those that are around you”. Crap. Letting others love me is not something I’m good at it. God knows it and I know it. 22+ years ago I had built up a fortress with alcohol and drugs, I was determined that no one was gonna get in. God got in though. Then slowly, but surely, He used the people of AA and the recovery community to nurture me back to health and sanity. It seems clear to me now that He wants to use the same tactic, to let His people love me back to health. Sometimes I need to learn things more than once.

I started with my men’s Sunday school class. Hesitantly, I told my story. They asked questions, showed incredible concern, several of them with tears in their eyes. I knew what was coming next and I wasn’t looking forward to it, yet I was resigned to it, someone finally made the brilliant suggestion of sitting me in a chair in the middle of the room so they could lay their hands on me and pray. More than 20 men prayed for me. I prefer to be the one doing the praying, not the other way around. And this is where God began nudging me to another idea. Along with all the healing I was reluctantly receiving, these men were also receiving a blessing by praying for me and loving me. It all ties in to recovery – an age old adage of recovery is in order to keep it, you have to give it away. The “it”, in my opinion, is love, and more specifically God’s love.

I also have recently realized that I have only one major fear left. I am not afraid of dying any more, yet I am very afraid of how much God loves me. Why? I guess it’s because God’s love is the most powerful force I have ever come across, seen or experienced. One brush stroke brings me to tears. Sometimes, to my hands and knees…

My plan is to write about this cancer journey in detail in random postings over the next few months. I have learned a lot about God, his people and letting people love me. I’d like to share those experiences with you. Blessings.

Phil,

So well said and nurturing...for me and probably many others. RFPs and cancer...I must say I have heard a lot of excuses not to do a grant application but I wouldn't be optimistic about that one meeting a litmus test. Thank you for sharing your message. I look forward to others. Off to the beach for 2 weeks with the whole family. Looking forward to it.

Best regards, Tom

Phil,

Two immediate reactions to your incredibly “accepting” posting were: “Only the good die young” and “Only the strong survive”. After criticizing myself for being insensitive, I decided those two quotes were only starting points for you. You have fantastic strength and insight. You are prayerful, and usually humble. You have the wisdom that only comes from a thoughtful journey. You can do this and, yes, you will get past this.

My wife, Doreen, survived a serious battle with lymphoma eighteen years ago – only the first year was tough. So, I look forward to at least eighteen more years of your ramblings and insights. My prayers are with you.

Peace, Larry

I'm praying for you too my man. -Rick

Hi Phil,

I am sure there are now prayers being offered all over the country and that's exactly as it should be.

When my mom had cancer many years ago I was so overwhelmed a few days after she received her diagnosis that I actually told the mailman when he came to the house to deliver a letter. My mom asked me why I told the mailman, and I told her I'd tell everyone I came into contact with if they would offer a prayer of healing, love and support for her--and if not for her, then selfishly, for me, because I knew I would need all the support I could get to provide all the support to her that I wanted her to have. And she smiled. So as I am typing this note, I'm offering up that same request and prayer for you--because you should have ALL the support and bounty of God's precious love that you so richly deserve.

Blessings,
Jackie

Phil,

Kevin told me you have cancer and you are undergoing treatment. I'm so sorry to hear it. I'm sure it's a scary experience, even though being the macho man, not so much! Sharing your journey is a brave thing to do, especially if you're uncomfortable doing so. I'm sure the treatments are wearing you down. I wish you strength for whatever happens.

Roseann

Hi Phil

As usual, your words were lovely and touching. It's good to be reading them again. My family and I will continue our prayers for you, every night. You might be interested to hear how we phrase our prayers for those in need (a distressing number for cancer): asking God that you would "feel your loving and healing touch." Sounds like you are certainly feeling God's loving touch. Now for the second part of that request.

And I'm really gonna keep a wary eye on those federal RFPs......................

All the best, always, Janine

Phillip,

Thank you for sending your email, I will pray for you.

Gail

Phil - precisely one hour after returning from the dentist where I heard the probability that something was seriously amiss and set up with an ENT doc and biopsy I received your email and was awed and amazed by God's continuing grace and virtually overwhelmed with gratitude. Thank you for your wisdom and courage in sharing your continuing journey.

Larry

Hi Phil,

I was touched by your article from Hooked on Recovery. I always enjoy reading them but this one prompted me to email you. Thank you for sharing what you did and how you did. In the face of this difficult time you are allowing God to work in your life rather than pushing him away and becoming bitter. What you wrote brought me to tears. Not just ones of sadness for the situation, but also joy because you can rejoice in your Savior, who loves you, cares for you, and strengthens you. He is a great and awesome God and it really becomes apparent through our trials. I look forward to reading your next article. You will be in thought and prayer.

Yours Truly,

Susie

Hi Phil,

I was inspired by your e-mail yesterday to respond. I wanted to let you know that I tend to be a private person and therefore do not tend to share my personal stuff, including illnesses. I’ve discovered that these tendencies turn into awkwardness in how I approach your health issues…so I pretend it doesn’t exist and communicate to you as I always would. However, I wanted to take this time to reach out and let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Diana

Cancer can be a gift sometimes...

I wanted to tell you how deeply moved I was by your story. I am a cancer survivor, having been diagnosed with colon cancer in 2004, in the nick of time and by the Grace of God (but that's another story). I chose to be open about what was happening to me, mostly because I can't keep a secret to save my life, but in part because talking about it helped release the negative energy and fear that I believed would hamper my recovery. I used to joke about it with my family..."I can't do the dishes, I have cancer" and the kids would laugh and remind me that "the tumor was removed during the colonoscopy Mom, and the upcoming surgery was just a precautionary measure, so quit whining and do the dishes!"

I had no idea how many friends I had, or how loved and valued I was at my job, church, neighborhood etc until the cancer diagnosis. I was overwhelmed with God's love in so many special ways that I was unable to see this as anything other than a gift. Who'd a thunk there were perks to getting cancer? I am grateful for the wake-up call to take better care of myself and I make a conscious effort to notice and appreciate the little things. I feel so much more alive now and I no longer allow myself to be pressured into doing things I don't want to do, no longer allow myself to be taken for granted and overburdened at work and there are other changes too numerous to mention. I continue to hope and pray that I will remain in remission but if the cancer returns I will be grateful for the years of recovery that I have enjoyed.

I have enjoyed reading your your "posts" on CCAR website and have used them often in my work to get a point across to a client who is struggling with early recovery. I appreciate your humor and insight and now the courage with which you are facing this latest trial. I hope that you will soon perceive the gifts that can come to you and that the love of others can work its healing grace as it did with me. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers and I wish to thank you for sharing your journey with us.

Susie

Nice to have you back Phillip. I miss "Hooked" and was pleased to see it in my mailbox. My mom always told me to let others enjoy the same blessing and positive feelings I get from giving. Even if it meant they were giving to me. I also do not deal with being "taken care of" well. I am the caretaker, not the caretakee (?). I fight that battle daily and continue to learn from it.

Love you and can't wait to see you and yours in August. Peggy

Phil, This is Bonnie, Kathy Panda-Johnson's daughter. I met you the other day and had the privilege of singing to you.

Your message of hope, trust, faith and acceptance is beautiful... I'm grateful you shared with me. You are an inspiration. Sending you love, thanks for sending some to me.

Best, Bonnie

Thank you for sharing - Phil. I know it's not easy and believe me I know how hard it can be to let go and depend on others. I been there and realized that I have been blessed with wonderful people in my life. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Sorry I missed talking with you and Laurie at the ADRC training. Hopefully I see you soon................Pam

Hi Phil

I am so sorry to hear of your illness. Yet I know that it will be a time where God is closer than probably any other in your life. Well, on second thought not as close as when he first took your hand and walked with you through recovery.

Seven years ago the Lord moved us along with are teen age daughters to the inner city to care for the poor. At the same time my husband was diagnosed with Lymes Disease which resulted in brain damage. He is fully disabled now. During that time they found a tumor in my face which after months diagnosed as benign but inoperable. The years have passed and the battles continue but we are still standing and God has been faithful throughout. I hear the peace in your words and the knowledge that He is faithful and He alone is worthy.

Through it all we have found great wisdom in Joshua 1 Stand firm and be courageous. As you know God will never give you more than you can handle and then He gives you a way out. We will pray for you.

God bless you,

Karen

Dear Phil – I am so sorry to hear of your cancer diagnosis. What a harsh blow and a tough burden to share. You were courageous and open three years ago when you spoke to my j-class at CCSU about your addiction and path to recovery.

But I can understand that better because we’re talking about something that so far has a positive outcome. This new challenge for you is an unknown. Thanks for telling others. It gives all of us the chance to respond and assist. I really understand the “sealed beak” approach. I will help almost anyone with almost anything. But when it comes to myself, I’m closed to asking anyone for help, because I’m sure I can handle it by myself. Besides, I shouldn’t bother others and I probably don’t deserve any help anyway. It’s stupid and selfish thinking. I know from your note you’ve left that far behind. I also know that you and your family are facing a real challenge.

Call or write if you wish.

Thinking of you… Bill

Hi Phil,

I read your article this morning and just wanted to send you positive thoughts and a note of support in your own battle with cancer. Two and a half years ago I was diagnosed with a fairly aggressive form of prostate cancer and underwent a radical prostatectomy. Needless to say, my life has not been the same since then and I continue to live with the side effects, but there is also a certain strength I draw from being a survivor. I'm not a "praying" man in the traditional sense, but just know that I am thinking of you and sending you all the positive energy I can muster. I hope that all the guidance and support that you have given people through the years will wash over you as good karma and carry you through this ordeal as a survivor. Thank you for your inspiration Phil and best wishes for a complete and successful recovery.

A fellow survivor, Tom

I think a lot of people who find themselves in Human Service enjoy serving humanity but forget our own service needs. I come from a family of teachers, social workers and lawyers. All helping professions. All of us ready to pray, help, advocate, teach for anyone. But it is not easy to always receive the help, prayer, advocacy, lessons we deserve as humans and part of a divine system that drives all of us to care.

I say this because your story called to mind three examples of similar events and reminded me to allow myself to be celebrated. My grandmother had a heart attack the first week of April this year. Her circulation had been so bad that her legs swelled to the point where she couldn't put on socks- clear warning sign. We speak to her by phone every week as she lives in New Jersey- not once did ever tell us about her legs or inability to move about her own home.---She taught kindergarten for 40 years.

My mother works at a Children's center for victims of sexual assault under the age of 18. Last winter she went to Target because she noticed how many of the clients (children) had no gloves, hats or scarves. Often the offender is an income contributing member the victim's household and their absence brings safety- but also economic conundrum.-- Last winter my mother had no car and was sharing a very old one between her and two other people.

My birthday recently passed. A friend took me a restaurant that I thought was way too expensive as a belated gift. I was floored- I've never eaten anything but appetizers at this place and even that is a treat. My friend- whom I've known since I was 13 then told me I was one of the most thoughtful people they knew.-- I wouldn't even let this person finish their toast because I felt so awkward. I am teaching this person to drive on my Honda with 207k miles and we have been friends for over 20 years.

Large or small our decent acts and love of mankind doesn't exempt us from receiving love. In fact it is exactly why we receive it. After having a parent survive two cancers in a 5 year period- I'll tell you it's time to cash in on the love equity. Here's a little from someone you didn't even know cared.

Rayna